Bereavement is not a linear experience. It ebbs and flows. Usually it follows a declining slope with occasional spikes.
It started with a dream. Searching for her room to room. Calling out her name asking, “Where are you?”
She’s not there. She’s not here. My intellect knows. My heart springs tears.
Each room was empty. There was nothing. The rooms were dark, unadorned. Nothing to indicate she even was ever there.
A grief burst.
After morning coffee I take the high level inventory. Am I sleeping and eating? Am I dehydrated? Do I have symptoms of depression or delibrate isolation? Am I getting enough exercise?
None of those are out of range.
Sometimes it is a day, date, or time of year association. What happened on October 1st, early Fall, in the past?
Possibly. Fall (September to December) has always been a special time. I am not drawn to either a sad or joyful story. No, not timing.
Physical activity has a very positive effect on the body and essential body chemistry. Time for a walk.
Off to the beach. The walk is from Gulfstream Park yo Boynton Beach Inlet and back. About six miles plus round trip. Some soft sand but thankfully mostly low tide firm sand.
On the walk I consider allowing any story to come to mind. Sad, happy, joyful, any story that would explain the grief burst.
Story telling is an amazing curative medicine. Even with none to listen it is an important process.
There are three major types. Sad, joyful and near-death. Near-death story comes to mind but only in a cursory way. This is not the source point.
The beach is beautiful. On low tide lots of fish caught in the tidal eddies. Lots of gulls, terns at the ready as the shore sand traps get shallower.
No impact. I turn instead to scripture. Today’s reading includes Jobs famous declaration, “My Vindicator lives!”
Job is the highest interior example of the suffering of the innocent. Other suffered, yes. But we have his thoughts and the thoughts of his friends.
Innocent as he was he placed his trust in his vindicator, also translated Redeemer.
Trust in the essential. The rest is drama.
It is true, she is gone but I trust the Vindicator.
I feel a little better now so I continue.
I recall the story of creation. Not hard to do walking along side the Atlantic Ocean. Each time, each “day”, the Lord declares, “It was good”. Everything, everyone contains the good of the Eternal. We are not alone.
Even the Noah story speaks how the Lord will have compassion on “all mortal things”. Bait fish jumping crazy as predator fish chomp after them.
I love science. All of it. As I walk today, I think about all these new scientific discoveries. Every category of science brims with discovery!
I can’t wait to travel the Universe in the next life. And even now watch humanity yearn forward to travel the Universe in this life!
It is so comforting to see nature and engage the natural world.
My walk is done. Tired. The grief has abated but not gone. That’s OK.
It was a grief burst. It doesn’t need an explanation. It just is.
I miss her. I love her. But she is one with the Vindicator, dancing among the vastness of the Universe.
Off to eat something healthy.
Bereavement is something we experience. We don’t need to suppress it. We use the major categorical approaches.
1. Self care.
2. Story Telling.
3. Embracing the eternal as our tradition allows.
I hope this blog entry of my grief burst helps you too.
All the best,